The nights are hard

Tonight I broke down and I let the supper mom exterior come down. Jillian has been choking more and more this week and I have been waking up more during the night this week to her choking. Before Jillian I was an 8 hour a night sleeper, and I really function best on at least that. Thursday night I got around 4 hours and I feel exhausted.
Last night I was up for a few hours in the middle of the night with her because she developed a barking cough. Yesterday during the day she was running a 99.3 temp under the arm and had a 5 minute long coughing spell and several other smaller ones. By the time we got home (after spending the day in just a onesie) her temp was down to 98.7 rectally (at least that is what the calculations looked to come to because our thermometer is stuck in Celsius). While I was up she was throwing her head back and moaning a bit and choked a few times.
I am really worried about the amount of choking and I am so nervous about her choking while I sleep. Today my parents, Brent, my brother and I took a refresher course on infant CPR and we bought a sleep monitor that should arrive in the mail early next week. I ended up getting a monitor that clips onto her diaper since the pad ones will not fit in her rock-n-play. I am hoping it works since Jillian sleeps in a sleep sack swaddle so that  she can not touch her tube at night, but that also keeps her rather bundled. The least we can do is try it because a little piece of mind right now could go a long way. I worry about sleeping. I worry about something happening to her while I sleep and I not catch it for a few hours and it be too late. This makes me feel guilty about going to bed but I know at the same time that I have to in order to be a functioning person and a mom. But I also know at the same time that they figure many children that die of SIDS had something preexisting going on. However my body wont let me stay awake all the time. I have always had the gift of randomly falling asleep if I am tired enough. We stopped going on to a movie the is not Disney a while ago because I just sleep through it and my bed is a lot more comfortable then paying $8  or more to sleep in a chair in a cold room with a lot of people.
I feel that God is working a lot in my heart right now. I have to keep reminding myself to let Him in right now, just like getting sleep sometimes, I know He is the best one for me right now, however I am stubborn. I like to try to carry it all on my own. For me dealing with heath issues has always been a part of life, and in my family I kinda expect it, however it is different when it is your kid. But as much as I try to be supper mom, I have to remember that even supper mom has to rely on the one who gives strength to have strength. Somedays though this concept is a lot easier to spell out in a blog post
Thank you for all of the prayers. They are truly appreciated. We are so fortunate to have so many people that love and care about us. Well off to bed, that pump goes off at 2am not matter what time I hit the pillow :)