I figured out today there is an opposite of that feeling... Feeling like it is all about to fall apart. Like all the balls you are juggling are about to hit the floor.
I so feel like the second one right now. I am normally very matter of fact with all of Jillian's stuff (which some people interpret as negative). Today it is not any one thing waying on me, it is the balance of it all. The perfectionist that I am wants to do it all right.
I told Jaime tonight that I feel like God hit me in the back of the knees. I have been reflecting a lot more lately, praying and thinking. Something good for me. I realized when I don't get my way with God I act kinda like a spoiled brat. I whine and complain and think He is mean to me when He has always done the best thing. He is not about just wanting the best for Him just because but wants the best for all. Sometimes that is hard to imagine. When I don't get my way I don't see God as loving but that is not fair. I love Jillian enough not to let her bite a hole in her feeding tube like she wants. It is the best thing for her but not what she wants.
I am looking to God for a lot of direction right now and feel like I get a little bit every once in a while but then something else happens and I question if His direction was right, or if I interpreted it right, or if it is just not time... If...if...if
That's kinda how I feel now with surgery. We had to wait a month after we decided to do surgery to get the appointment for the surgery and then it fails. What does that mean? What is God telling me? Am isuppose to be begging for Him to take it all away? Is he trying to tell me something in this? What should I do now? Is He saying not now on the surgery? Is He saying wait longer? Is it of the good of someone else that the surgery not be til later? Is He preparing the surgeon? Is He preparing Jillian or I or Brent? Is He showing us to out knees? Is He trying to break us? If we just listened would things be easier? What if we had more faith?
I know God has a purpose in all this. I know He works all thing for good and that is a good by His definition not mine (and I love/dislike that).
My head just kinda goes crazy with questions some days.
I know some things will just take time but some of these things I need to make desisions on. What way do I turn?
I'm not upset at God for Jillian's challenges. I just see them as what is. That's what I do with medical stuff. I'm not freaked by her differences, it is all the other stuff that just comes with life. It's the not being able to keep to house clutter free, and getting hurt in relationships, and balancing commitments, and the money worries and time. The things that are kinda always the same no matter the circumstance. Maybe that is why I don't beg for situations in my life to be taken away because I know the things that stress me are things that are in all situations. There is never enough time , money, intelligence, power, fame, friends or anything else but God.
As a side note. Surgery called today to schedule for August 19th. A month away. She is actively trying to take the tube out. I told them about it and they said they would talk to the doctor but he is booked this week and then goes on vacation. Sigh. Not sure even what to pray about that. 
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