High school me was involved in everything. Honestly thinking of high school year makes me tired! I ran at 1000mph and wanted a hand in everything and wanted to be of value in every situation.
By the time I went away to college I was worn out! I spent the summer between college and high school as a nanny and it was a slower pace at life then I had been living for years! Once I got to my second college (I did freshman year at a college near home to save money) I was ready for rest. I was more calculated in what I was involved in. I started to realize that I wanted depth. One of my good friends and I joke that neither of us excel at small talk.
I have always been a take charge person. Typically the head of whatever I was doing. And at times that was good, its a place I feel comfortable, there have been other times that I have been leading in positions where in hindsight a little more life experience could have helped some of the bumps.
This season in life has me at a different position and to be honest at times I have mourned the involved in everything me. There is an entire group of kids that I taught them in Sunday School and really invested in those kids and now I am someone who has been asked more then once if I was new at our church since having the girls... that stings because I had a place of influence, a place of value, and a place I could show for the things I was doing.
I always wanted to be the head of something... leading...
However as I am getting older I am seeing the beauty in being a part of the story.
Its not that I don't see value in leadership... I think leaders are still very important. I think it is very important who we let lead, especially if we put the label Christian on whatever is occurring. I am more interested in leaders who are worried about others then their glory... the ones that see the value in love. But at the same time sometimes as a society I think we only look to the leaders but forget about all the other people it takes to make the world work.
But I am becoming more comfortable in my skin of just being me today. And tomorrow taking the next step. I don't have some great plan or agenda and my dreams are less focused on specific things occurring and more about the heart...
-do the people around me know they are loved?
-am I actively helping the least of these with the eyes of love?
-am I treating people with dignity... even people who disagree with me?
-am I invested in people that have been placed in my life?
Being able to say that I am working on those things are my goals now.
And if somewhere along the way I end up doing those things and end up leading others to do the same thing then great... but thats not the goal.
Sure sometime I read things and wish I could be a part of all good things, but I've been called to the good things that I am doing and helping where I can, but I can always be looking for ways to love people, but that doesn't mean my name has to be listed as the head of a non for profit.
For now I am thankful that I am able to take calls from friends when they have feeding pump questions, or are worried about life. I am thankful I can play with baby dolls with Lydia. I am thankful I can teach Jilli how to think about math. I am thankful I have time to talk to Brent about life. Sometimes having time for those things means having less of a laid out plan for the next many year and more about looking at today and looking to see what love can look like today.
I want to be who Jesus called me to be today
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| Lydia playing with her dolls today |
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