Not that they clicked on the wrong person or anything... but that I am not who they think I am. I worry that they want to be friends with the idea of me... but not the true me.
If you casually know me from someplace you likely know I have two kids with special needs, its not hard to figure that much out, I have my kids with me 99% of the time and the rest of the time I am talking about them lol. You might have heard of what I am doing with this charity or that volunteer opportunity... you likely know that because I have asked you to help or donate in some way even if I barely know you.
But I try not to hide the real me in a digital world. That doesn't mean that I talk about every issue or disagreement I have with someone, there have been rough seasons in my life with different people in my life that you will never read about online, I try not to throw my dirty laundry all over the internet... however the trueness of me I try to show.
I talk about the things that weigh on my heart. I talk about hard things. I talk about things I am passionate about. I talk about things I am learning about.
I let a lot about me out into the world...
And that is scary!
And I often feel like I don't fit the mold that people expect when they just casually know know me.
I was listening to a podcast yesterday from Annie F Downs and she was talking about how growing up she always felt like she was a lot and so she ended up in a job where she is a public speaker and she is a lot but she chooses to be a lot because then people can't say that about her (listen to the Myles Ashcroft and John Crist episodes if you want to get more of what she is getting at) but I understand what it is like for people to say you were a lot as a child... I was... but as an adult that turned into me trying to not be a lot... trying to hide that part of me and fit into the mold. Trying to make myself more quite and to not feel as passionately about things as I do. While I think learning to think before speaking and being collected in how you talk to others so you can best present your ideas is wise, I think at times I have taken it to mean that I just need to be silent on things that matter to me. I am always going to be passionate about many things that fit into the social justice category.
I also often feel like I don't fit into the mold of the American evangelical world. I don't fit into the quite republican church girl and often I feel like I don't want people to know that about me. Heck I just the term social justice and in some Evangelical circles I might has well just sworn at you because that term is so hated. Its not that I am not a Christian, my faith has grown the older I have gotten and I feel like it is a lot less about Sunday School answers and memorization now and more about a relationship and learning about the character of God and having a relationship with Him instead of just knowing about him... I don't want to just be God's fan. But in a world where a lot of Christian leaders have said in the past couple of years that if you don't look like the Christian mold (esp in your politics) then you don't have a place here, I have really struggled and don't want people to know the real messy me.
But I think we want people to know us, more then just the "how are you" "fine" relationship. I was joking recently with Brent that there was a few people that it probably would have been better if my view of them was still pre facebook when all I knew about them was that we knew each other from a common place and very basic info (city they lived, their immediate family, ect.) because it was hard for me to see their racist or sexist or mean posts, that it was easier when no none really actually had conversations with each other past the weather... but I don't think that is how we were designed. I think we were meant to have other people know us more then our views of the rain. And sometimes that means learning about the yucky parts of someone but how can we help each other grow if we only talk about the rain? It might feel more comfortable, but it does no one any service.
I feel like right now we are in a season of waiting and rest. Our May has been abnormally calm. We have had very few things planned and life has been at a slower pace... it feels a little weird. The summer for us is going to be CRAZY! Lydia is having an EGD, both girls are having some heart testing, lots of doctors and hopefully lots of fun things too. But for us right now we have been in a season of rest. I have taken this season to try to grow. I have read multiple books and have listened to a lot of podcasts. I have read the Goff trilogy (Love Does, Love Lives Here and Everybody Always), started Unexpected by Christine Caine and just downloaded the preview to Grateful by Diana Butler Bass... all books to help fill you up but in a way that isn't just about you growing but about how you can love others. But in this season I have also learned so much about me and as I listened to that podcast yesterday it hit me why I get so scared when people want to be my facebook friend.
A little key.... if you want to be my facebook friend... make it known that you are a regular reader of my blog because if you stick around here where I am rather raw at times and you haven't gone running then you could handle facebook posts of quotes about loving people and about how parts of the US healthcare system suck.
I get scared sometimes that if people know the real me that I will turn people away from Christ or make a bad name for people with disabilities and their journey. I worry if I am raw that people will get some wrong ideas about loving people with disabilities. I know, that is probably me thinking too much of myself.
So there is some more raw me.
I think we all want to be known... but that is very scary!
Now to decide if I'm breaking through this fear...
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