Thankful

Everyone seams to be dedicating their Facebook walls to 30 days of thankfulness, and I spent nap time today writing lessons about thankfulness, but the cheese of this holiday gets a little over the top sometimes. Sometimes you feel like it goes so far that you feel the opposite about the holiday, you just don't care because people make such a big show about it.

This year I have been blah about Thanksgiving. More indifferent, until I was driving home from work yesterday.

Kutless has a song out that part of the lyrics is "Even if the healing doesn't come, And life falls apart, And dreams are still undone, You are God You are good, Forever faithful One, Even if the healing, Even if the healing doesn't come"

I have always felt indifferent about that song. I have heard it over and over on Christian radio and have never thought much about it, until yesterday.


The song played and it hit me how blessed I am.

Last week I was reading a post from a parent on the Feeding Tube Awareness facebook page. Parent's were talking about life with a tubie. As I read the comments I could tell two different mindsets. First, The people who are making the best of it. They are trying to live life normally and do their best, even on days it is not easy.

And then there is a second mindset. The hopeless. The people who are so overwhelmed by their kiddo's needs that they have a hard time functioning. People that talking about their kids being several years old and they still cry every day at the thought of the way things could have been. These are people who's kids are not "normal" and many of their kids have life expectancies that are not hopeful. These are not people crying over spilled milk, but crying over how hard this is, the pain their child might be in, and the fact that they might not get to hold them for long. They have a right to cry.

But as I read their input I did not feel sorry for them, I felt sad for them. How debilitating must life be if you are consumed in searching for a magic wand. What if the wand never comes? What do you do then? How do you go on? What hope do you have in today, tomorrow, or forever?

This is where the song hit me. With all of Jillian's medical stuff I have never been left to search for a magic wand. I know my creator has got this. He has a plan.
Do I want the best for Jillian? Yes. Do I want her to be happy and healthy? Yes Would it be nice some days to know more pieces to the puzzle? Yes. But I have never felt the desperate need to go searching. Many people have asked me if we are going to try this or do that or what is next, and really in all of this, I am ok with living today. Today I have a sweet girl curled up on my shoulder sleeping with a little red adapter hanging out of her shirt. I don't know what tomorrow brings. Our lives can be rather unpredictable at times...
But He is God. He has this. He knows the story, and even if she is 95 years old and still has a feeding tube, He is God. He is Good. He is faithful. Even if the healing the world looks for is not there. I don't need God to prove healing in a worldly way for me to see Him in this situation because He is in every little detail. He hold us up. He knows the things to come and He grants peace. 

But, before you get on the "wow, Amanda this is deep, you must have an amazing peace about your life," you need to back your mind up. The hero of this story is God. He grants this peace, because if left to myself, I would be a worry machine. I am good at worrying. Trust me, I not not the Christian billboard most people would make to try to sell you God. I drift from Him at times. Sometimes I have doubted if He is even there or even cares. I am not this trusting in Him in many areas of my life. Sometimes I go weeks without praying, but in all of this thought I have never felt the need to beg God to take it all away. Ever. And that kind of peace, He grants,even when I am weak. 

So this year, one of the things I am thankful for (one of the SO many!) is that God has granted me this peace.  I can't imagine how hard my life would be today if my feelings in this situation where not grounded in Him. I am in awe of this gift that He has given me and am so thankful for it. And even if healing does not come in the way the world thinks, He is healing my brokenness, and that is worth far more.