Know You

I turn 30 in 10 days...

Birthdays have always been big for me... like in my teens I totally went with the whole birthday month thing... as I am rounding 30 in some ways I care less about what other people think in some ways and in other ways I care more... there is a podcast that I listen to where she throws herself a birthday party every year and I think that sounds so fun to have tons of people that mean a lot to you all get together... but I worry if I were to do that then others would think I was an attention hog. Which is funny because I have a family member who has a huge birthday party every year and a lot of the family gathers around and I have never thought that about that party... but do about the thought of my own...

But here is the thing I have been doing more of lately...

Stopping getting mad at the things that I do & think and instead trying to figure out why I am doing it or accepting my process for things.

Today genetics called and cancelled on us for tomorrow... we have waited a YEAR for this appointment... to say I am angry puts it lightly. They decided today that they want to see if they can get us in this new clinic the hospital has for undiagnosed kids and if they can get us into that clinic then they will see us there... but they had not called the head of this new clinic to see if they would accept us before calling me nor did they have any idea how long it would take to get into this clinic... or if we even wanted to be transferred into this clinic... I get accused of being on a diagnostic odyssey yet they are the ones that bounce us between all of these different places.
I asked about the study and the person I talked to said yes they could see that we signed all of that paperwork a year ago and that either they are working on it and it is a slow process so if they haven't called me yet then there isn't anything to tell yet or that our case has not been picked up by a researcher yet BUT they can't tell which of those options is currently going on with our case so we have no idea if the research has started yet or not!

But I have been learning about me...

normally I get mad at how I handle things because I think it is not how I am supposed to handle things...

But my brain seems to have a process for how it deals with stress and I can either fight it or learn how to be the healthiest possible IN it.

I notice I handle things by:

1st wanting to talk about it... this stage is more of just an angry vent
2nd I don't want to talk about it at all... I find talking exhausting at this point
3rd talking about it to problem solve... at this point I might just be talking about it out loud to sort through my thoughts, it might not be that I need the other person to give me a great idea or plan about it but that I need to work it out with someone else.
4th I feel guilty for having talked about the stress and feel like I should just be over it already
5th I ignore that there is even something stressful going on
6th able to talk about it very mater of fact... it still bothers me at this point but the emotions have calmed

The thing is that for some things I can go through all of these steps in a couple of hours... for other things I get stuck at different steps for days.

but I find that no matter how I fight it... this is still the course it takes so I am going to try something different... not fighting it... let my body go through these steps how it needs to, recognize what step I am in and do what I need to do to heathfully walk through that step, not rush the step or try to run through it, but do the work I need to do in each step. That also means that I need to communicate with the people around me what step I am in.

Tonight I am hurt... I feel like our healthcare team is unraveling and all I did was what they asked of me. I feel really let down and mad about how several situations are being handled right now... I want better from our hospital... not just for us but for every family there. I believe in our hospital and know it is capable of great things but it is hard when something you care about lets you down.

I spent a lot of my 20s trying to get everything right, be the best and do it before everyone else...

Maybe I will spend my 30s working on knowing the inner workings of me better so that I am able to love in a more holistic way.

I have always hated the self help culture of the USA because it is so center focused and is all about your happiness... I am not out searching for my happiness here, but rather searching to not fight against myself so often because in that I will be able to love the world better.

In your teens and 20s you feel like you really know yourself but as I am rounding this next corner I feel like I am discovering a deeper layer here... for so much of my life, life has felt so superficial... maybe I am finally getting past the surface of life... maybe 30 comes with a shovel