I was a lucky one

I always grew up with this imagery of God in my head that he was like a giant father sitting in the clouds waiting for me and when I would come to him in prayer I would sit on his lap and He would wrap His arms around me and listen while I talked.

I know for many people that is not their first view of God.

I am a lucky one here... I know...

Sometimes the analytical part of my brain would kick in and I would wonder about how He deals with so many prayers at one time... I wondered if it looked something like a call center. I couldn't wrap my head around Him being awake all of the time.

But when I would pray I would still think of Him like a father in the clouds.


Until at somepoint I didn't...

I am not sure when... the why is unanswered prayers...

Which feels painful to admit because it feels so childish...

And it might have started with unanswered prayers about me but it really spiraled when I felt that He wasn't coming through for other people... but also not taking into account other people's actions in those situations.

While I still learned about God all the time, could hear Holy Spirit speaking into my life, and prayed...

it felt different...

It didn't feel warm and cozy.

And while not everything in life is always going to be warm and cozy and there are going to be times you are mad at God... my heart was longing to curl up in His arms and rest. Thankfully there were little times of that throughout the seasons, but times those times felt so spread apart.

Tuesday night I sat at my kitchen table talking about God with a friend... something I don't do enough... and talked about the things I feel that He is saying right now... and how I was having a lot of anxiety about it because I felt like I was taking circumstances and trying to prove if God's word was true based off of those instead of knowing that God's word is true and testing circumstances against that. Man just saying outloud that I was struggling with that was so freeing.

This friend and I exchanged birthday gifts and she knew we are trying hard to downsize our stuff right now so she knew I didn't want more things to fill the house... so she bought me some of my favorite foods... a devotional that really ties into some of what I am wrestling with and a shovel based off my blog post about how 30 should come with a shovel.

I was listing to That Sounds Fun Podcast this week and they mentioned 1 Corinthians 1:3-5 which just tied so many things together for me in this... that sharing that hard stuff is worth it and needed for the kingdom and that loving each other is so valuable!
I think I might write that verse on the shovel...

1 Corinthians 1:3-5:
 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. ⁵ For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.


So this morning as I started reading the book I felt like I curled back up in those familiar arms... rest and comfort