Seeing the Spring

I have listened to a couple of different podcasts lately where they have talked about how we naturally need the seasons in our life and how that doesn't just play out in weather patterns but also in routines of our lives.

Another thing that was brought up was how we in America are really good at trying to make all seasons the same... I can buy berries in the winter, turn on the AC/heat to get whatever temp I want in the house, we swim in indoor pools all year long... we like to make every season the same...

And that doesn't just apply to those things but it applies also to the seasons of life...

We always want to live in the season of happy, wealth, friends, strong faith, and peace. We only want the good times and never the hard...

Sometimes we even beat up on ourselves for having the hard times... like if we were just good enough then the hard times would never come... like somehow we can control the seasons in life.

I wrote a couple posts back about how it had felt like we were in a season of death. We have not hidden that the past few months have been really hard... like I have lost count how many times I have packed our suitcases already this year, we have spent over 2 months away from home already this year (likely closer to 3+ but I am too tired to count!)... I feel like we are in a perpetual state of transit... I am not sure if we should be packing or unpacking at any moment.

Growing up I had a fear of the dark... I was old enough to see the news of JonBenet Ramsy (we were closish in age) and I remembering being freaked out... big moments in history impact people even if they were not directly related to the story...

As I have gotten older my fear of the dark is better but still there sometimes... times when I am already stressed and worried. A couple of times a year that child like fear strikes again... two nights this week I have woken up to every slight sound... poor Brent, I have woken him up more then once in the middle of the night.

I was worried that this fear was back. I have had it circle back enough times in my life that I have now realized that its stay is normally short at this point... it only disrupts a few days of sleep a year... but normally when it comes I am really mad that it is back because I think that I should be old enough to be past this... that this should not be seasonal... but it is... and I can either be really angry or I can accept that and do what I need to do to try to be as mentally healthy in that area as possible but also know that it was a long held fear and that it might still come up sometimes and in that I can have compassion for myself... I can take the steps I need to in order to work through it.

Early tomorrow morning we have a big medical meeting... I am honestly have just been shoving the emotions I have about it aside... except not really... I think I am shoving them aside by not thinking about them but I can tell by how my body has felt today, how I have had to make myself eat most meals, how I feel the weight but don't want to think about it, and how I have not made a list for this appointment.

Tonight the kids and I went for a walk in the secret garden right at dusk... I forgot my phone inside but it was so beautiful! The reflection of the sunset on the building was breathtaking. The kids were giddy that the fairy garden and ABC garden came back today! Jilli even wrote a note to the fairies that welcomed them back. We looked at how much the plants have grown since last week. We noticed green in places that it was not just a few days ago. It started to mist so we headed inside slowly. As we came towards the door I could see the crane over the building... our hospital is currently getting a very large addition that will improve many things.

I could see new life all around me.

Beautiful Things:

"All around,

Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found, in you"

 

 

I wasn't planning on going on this walk tonight... we just did because the kids saw a wagon and wanted to go for a ride... but the beauty of this simple walk in a place that I have walked so many times before felt like hope springing up. 

 

We came inside and ran into my friend Sara and told her about how beautiful it was so I grabbed my phone to take pictures and we headed outside together. It was raining a little bit harder now but the rain added to the beauty... it didn't feel like an inconvenience or a bummer that it was raining, it felt like it added to the masterpiece. 

 

This afternoon I was feeling worn down by the week... we have had a busy day every day since last Tuesday... Jilli is showing that she is tired... both physically and emotionally... and that is coming out the best she knows how for her age... which feels exhausting for both of us. 

 

But hope is springing up from this ground. 

 

I still feel nervous about the appointment... but I am trusting that we are going to take steps forward. Child life is coming with to help with Jilli's feelings (she is not so fond of people talking about the whole experience around her) and that in turn will help me so I can focus on talking to the team. Several people have checked in with me today about how I am and have offered support and love. 

I am holding hope to this spring...

This has been a hard winter...

but I see the spring! 

And the spring doesn't negate the hard winter.

And it doesn't mean that everything is flowers without thorns...

 

But spring has its beauty that is just breathtaking