Worship

I come to this blog to type typically in one of three moods:

1. There is information that I need to share and this is an effective place to do it to a lot of people at once

2. I am journaling medical stuff that I want to remember later

3. My head is bursting with stuff and I need an outlet for things to flow out...


Today is a number 3 kind of day so buckle up...


This morning the girls and I made it to church for the first time in a few weeks. It was good to be there and my heart was filled up.

Our first song today was Great Are You Lord:

You give life, You are love
You bring light to the darkness
You give hope, You restore
Every heart that is broken
Great are You, Lord

It's Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise
We pour out our praise
It's Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise to You only

 

 

Its feels like we tend to sing this song around lung stuff going on in our life. We sang it the week after my cousin passed away last year after a lung transplant and a lot of the family cried as the song played. We sang it during the battles to get the girls on oxygen. We sang it after the girls went on oxygen. 

 

We sang it today after a hard lung appointment this week. It brings tears to my eyes to hear my girls sing this song. It is God's breath in our lungs... how often do we forget that? How often do we forget to be thankful the the air He created?

Our last song was called Beautiful Name by Hillsong... this is one of the songs that Lydia likes to sing to while standing on her chair and playing her guitar. When the song started to play she looked around like "why are all of these people singing my song here?" It was kind of funny. 

The sermon today hit me too. It was a realization about why a few things in life feel hard right now... I was able to put words around it. 

There have been a couple of line and a couple of things that I talk about in the book that I feel should be in there... however I know that not everyone will agree with my stance on everything and that some people might disagree and I am such a conflict avoider that I want to run away from saying anything that does not make everyone happy however, while I am called to speak in love always, the does not mean that I am called to speak in a way that everyone agrees with me always. That just is not possible and is harmful to the people around me. 

I am also finding myself shying away from talking about the book right now in real life... I have talked about it on here several times but rarely when I am face to face with someone. Part of it is because it is hard to tell someone that you are doing something out of obedience to God (and its not even like I am building an ark lol). I did not set out searching to write a book. I still do not view myself as a writer (even 602 blog posts later). This is something I did because God asked me to, however I fully understand how strange that sounds to someone who is not actively looking for God's will... I understand it even sounds weird to some people in church world. When you start telling people you did something because God asked you to they look at you like you have multiple heads. I'm not ashamed of my faith, and I do not mind telling people I am a Christian however that is socially acceptable... but to tell someone you did something because you felt like God asked you to feels very different. 

 

I also do not want my head to get to big in this. I do not want this book to become about me. I want this to be a God thing. There have been steps along the way that are uncomfortable but I keep praying that God uses the uncomfortable to make this into something that glorifies Him. I do not know how to do this well. This is something that could easily become all about me so I am shying away from talking about it a lot because I don't want to turn the spotlight away from God. I don't have this balance worked out... I'm super new to this! Literally with each step I am praying for guidance... who I told about this book when was all done with a lot of prayer. I so badly do not want to mess this up because I want to glorify God that maybe at times I am taking too cautious of steps but thats what I know how to do and overall this currently feels like a giant step of faith. I know I will mess up along the way... I just want to be careful, I know I will make miss steps along the way... I just want to be careful. 

 

Also, I am a person who sucks at waiting and writing a book is not a fast thing. I wrote the first draft in a month, but then added two more chapters. The editor just finished with the first draft and now it is back in my hands to work on the edits. I want it to be the best it can be to glorify Him so it needs to go through this sharpening process. But there is a part of me that so wants it done lol. There is also a part of me that is scared to let the world read it. 

 

What I am super thankful though is for my people who have stepped up when I have asked for help. Mikaley editing, Jess taking head shots and cover photos, Linda for buying a Tiara, Brent for cheering me on, Jamie and Yoomi for praying... while I have let very limited info out about this whole thing, I am so thankful for the people who have stepped up and helped. There will be more things I need help with along the way and I am thankful for the people who will step up then too... I can't do this without my people. 

 

 

Then on my way to church and on my way home I listened to The New Activist. This weeks episode was with Jennie Allen of If gathering. It was another podcast of what I needed to listen to at that moment. I can be a powerhorse... and I have had times where that has been tried to be taken out of me due to my gender and that episode was so freeing. I remember in high school when I was looking at jobs and looking at Christian colleges and a dad of a friend of mine said that if I perused full time ministry that his daughter could no longer be friends with me because women did not belong anywhere sharing the gospel except to children. I see how comments over the years have made me feel like being a powerhorse was not something I could use for the gospel and that I just needed to tone myself down... fit in... fall in line.... but what if that is not what God created me to do? What if He created me as a powerhorse for a reason. What if He has a plan for me that I am trying to soften to make other people feel better. Today's podcast really made me wrestle. It also gave me more of the boldness I need going forward with this book. I have a place in sharing the Gospel and it is my job to follow what God is calling me to do... even if it does not always make everyone comfortable... myself included.     

Jess taking a picture for the book

Jilli reading the American Girl catalog

Linda not only bought me a tiara (book reference that will make sense eventually, although I still have not shared the reference with Linda, she just knew it was for the book and lovingly helped me with it without needing all of the details) but also bought the girls tiaras

Jilli doing school

Jilli reading the American Girl catalog during the photo shoot

The girl's PT place had a Halloween party

Jilli's first port hospital stay Target trip... these are milestones in the journey for us

My parents took us to a pumpkin farm we have never been to before... it had a little train and carousel. It was a really fun day! Thanks mom and dad!!!

Swinging at the pumpkin farm

Jilli wanted the weirdest pumpkin lol

Lydia pushing Jilli around church this morning

We went to lunch with Brent's parents today

We needed to buy new winter hats for the girls... there was a new mouse that got in the house while Jilli was in the hospital... it pooped in the kitchen dish towels... chewed two of Jilli's shoes... ate winter gear and died on a shoe