Life pauses

We don't spend a lot of time talking about the past of the future at our house... there is always a lot going on in the here and now.

April 14th last year was one of the hardest days of my life and one of the scariest. I fought hard that night as I watched my child become unresponsive in my arms. I pleaded with doctors at 2am that they couldn't give up on her, that we were not going to just give up. And a year later I know I was right.

Those images are still there. All the events of that week are still fresh in my head a year later. There are moments in this journey where I think back and I can still feel the emotion.... so is hard... others is tears of joy.

Every once and a while we have little moments where life catches up to us. Most of the time we don't dwell in the hard.  Our house is a very happy place. As I write this I can hear Brent and the girls playing xbox together and giggles.

Tonight Brent has a life pause moment. Jilli came over while I was eating dinner and asked me to teach her how to read another book. This girl LOVES to read! I love that her learning is self motivated (that doesn't mean as a homeschool mom that I don't get eye rolls at times). After I worked with her on the book she went over by Brent to read to him.

A few minutes later the girls were coloring and I looked over at Brent and he had a sad look on his face. I have known Brent since 2003 and we have been together continuously since 2005 (we dated for a month in 2004 lol) so I know that look at this point. I walked over and gave him a hug and asked him what was wrong. We had discussed a few different things at dinner, politics, other friendships and family ect so I asked him if any of that was what was wrong (I mean, Brent likes politics but not enough to look like that lol)

He said "For a while there I was unsure if we would get to the point where she would have the opportunity to know how to read." There is some heavy weight for you! A little less then a year ago I had to tell him they thought she would never speak again. Milestones like reading are not taken lightly at our house... they are big stinkin deals! Its a celebration!

We gave each other a hug, had a few tears and then went on with the night of taking care of the kids. I am so thankful for the fact that we made the choice together to rely on each other on this journey... that doesn't mean it has always been easy, marriage isn't a fairy tale, but I am thankful we have each other to turn to. I am thankful he is mine and he loves the girls and I so much. I;m thankful that he and I can have deep conversations about life.

I often see how dads of kids with special needs don't get the same support mom's do. There are not tons of facebook groups for dads of special needs kids. The community isn't the same for them and sometimes I morn for him about that, I have these amazing women around me that I talk to all the time, but guys are different. But I am thankful that he and I have each other to turn to.

I am also thankful that Brent and I are able to have our moments, but those don't consume us.  We can take a pause, be sad and grateful... and then go on with life. We can join back in the the giggles. We can play a game with the girl.

I feel like I have been learning a lot about balance lately. We are such a black and white... good and bad... all or nothing society that balance isn't really our thing. We swing the pendulum from one end to the other... balance isn't really the American way, but I feel like I have been learning the importance of balance. Its ok to be overwhelmed by something... just don't live in that place. Its ok to feel, just don't live in the extremes, you are not always going to be happy and you are just going to be depressed if you think you are going to be happy.

So there is my rambles tonight on life here. Sometimes life just hits and thats ok. Tonight I'm thankful for the giggles. I'm thankful for my amazing husband. And I'm thankful I can hug my girls tonight.

My silly girls coloring the Tsum Tsum coloring book

Lydia and her baby dolls!

Jilli "helping" Brent the other day at church. Our church is redoing a room and Brent has been working on the sound and lighting stuff for it. I love his heart in serving. It has been amazing watching his faith grow since we met to the man I am able to have theological conversations with and we are able to push and grow each others faith.

Last night we had Jaime and Jason and the boys over. We all had a lot of fun! 

I posted a blog post yesterday of a facebook post about a podcast I am listening to. You can click HERE to read that blog post. I HIGHLY recommend this podcast! It reminds me that I am luck to get to work on reading with my kids, that is not something all parents are able to do for a wide variety of reasons. As the images of Syria flash again and I listed to an episode on refuges today I am reminded of the gifts I have and it breaks my heart even more to love others... sometimes that is money to help and other times that is stepping up someplace and saying I can help.