Heart

My hubby and I just finished watching the latest SNL weekend update, he looked at me as Tina Fay finished and commented that it was the first time this week he saw my real smile. I was not smiling because it was a happy light heated show, but my mind for just a moment came out of the dark fog of this week.

I'm going to call it like it is, this week has been hard on my heart. I am and always will be a social justice person. The events of this weekend and what has happened since has eaten at me.

I was never much of a late night show watching person. First of all I like to sleep and am often to sleep before they start. I am also a person who likes a good joke but doesn't go looking for one, I am more of a conversation person. I don't feel the need to laugh instead I look to find joy in just life, some of the funniest things I have laughed about have been done by kids and I have been blessed for many years to spend my day surrounded by them. But in January I started to watch the openings of a few different late night shows, purely because I needed to find something funny in all of this.

Remember I an not a party line voter, I vote based on person. I voted republican in the primary, but not in the end because there is nothing about Trump that aligns with my values. I have voted for Paul Ryan in the past (never again) and plenty of other Republicans. I come down harsh on that side often because they really like the Christian card and I have issues with that but I know that just because a person is a part of a party that does not mean that the party defines them as a person.

This week I have watched the opening to most of the late night shows daily. Why? Because this week has hit my heart in a place of hurt that is so deep I was looking for any light about it.

A woman was killed on American soil for marching against a group of people that is openly racist and is just fine with using actions based on that evil. History tells us this and this weekend was a horrible reminder of that.

There is no part of my heart that can be ok with this. There is no part of my heart that is not wrestling with this. I have been angry this week and my heart broken.

My heart is saddened by a nation that is busy making excuses.

Yes I have seen the photos, yes I am aware that there were some people who were not apart of the torch chanting group that showed up with ill intentions. Sadly all to often there are people who are always looking to make poor choices. But that does not negate what the racist group said and did and what is in their hearts.  That does not negate the people who peacefully protested the hate group, the people who saw a problem and said they were going to stand up and say no, and not with violence.

America it is time to get a grip.

I have seen way to many people I know, not just internet trolls, defend what happened this weekend, and no I don't personally know anyone who I know that verbally says they support the alt right but I know so many people that came to their defense this week from various points of view. There is no defending them. And if your message has been unclear this week you are the person in control of your words.

And on that tone, I put it as my status today but I fully believe this... no president, there is no upstanding people who joins an alt right march, maybe they could claim that before the joined into the mob but once they willingly joined that mob they could not claim to have clean hands about the situation. That is not something you accidentally join. You don't accidentally chant racist things. And if for some random reason you ended up in that mob and upstanding person would have gotten the crap out of joining it.

And lets also stop whitewashing history... the civil war started because states wanted to have rights about if they could have slaves... if you say the war was only about states rights you are whitewashing history far worse then what you are clamming is happening with monuments coming down.  I very carefully read a lot of information this weekend while at the civil war museum. My preschooler who had never heard about slavery before understood withing a few minutes of being there that it is wrong and she only got the preschool level version of the history lesson.

This also is not the media's fault. As someone who has taken several media classes I will admit the shortcomings of the media (on both sides) about many things, but I am sorry you can't blame the media for people being angry about other people marching down the streets chanting racists things. While I say to not blindly trust any source, we fact check fact checks at our house, if you have become admit that the current president is the only person with wisdom and the press is out to get him then please look at some other sources for a while. If you are blaming this weekend on the media then you are saying that what the alt right did is not bad, you are shifting blame.

I have stated before I went to a mainly white elementary school and while learning about America's history I thought we were past all of this and while that was a child idea I hope that maybe when my kids are my age they can look at the world around them and not have people chanting racist things in the streets. I hope we are a country that finally comes together because ever since white men landed here we have been messing so much up and have hurt so many people and I hope that someday we are closer to treating all people better then we are right now because I have felt like as this week has gone on the more people have backslid. 

Because right now as a mom of two kids who are in a group of people who are considered less then by this aweful hate group, I have had fears go through my head that I can't write. And while I am sure in most cases they are rather irrational, there is also a family who this time last week didn't think their family member was going to be plowed down and killed by a member of the alt right.

But I am trying to channel all of this to help my vision of us getting back on the track of loving others. We made it a point to talk to our kids about loving others this week. We sat down and read books about diversity together. Because this starts in our home. But now we are trying to figure out how to continue to branch it out past there. We are already involved with Tubie Friends, supporting our local children's hospital and Ronald McDonald House, building a playground in our community for all people but we are always look at who else can we love. I don't currently teach in a diverse community like I have in the past so I am not involved that way, but I am sure there is more we can do, because my heart can't keep at this rate of breaking that is has been for the past several months, and this is only going to get better if people continue to stand up for what is right and love others.