I wish this was all a bad dream

The tears are flowing down my face tonight, and I am thinking less and less that sleep will really happen tonight. This all just sucks. There is no nice way to put it. No flowery terms, no way to play this off of some great meaning.

Tonight is a punch in the heart and my face hurts from crying, enough my two year old brought me Kleenex.

Dear grandma Jill,
I just keep waiting for you to come back, for my facebook feed to suddenly have 50 likes on things because you were on. You know, sometimes that would drive me crazy when I would be on my computer trying to do something and my facebook would ding every two seconds because you had not been on in a few days and were going though my timeline and liking everything, oh how I wish right now you would do that again. You would love some of the pictures I have posted this week.

This week has sucked not being able to talk to you. I promised you over and over the last time that we talked that I would call you after Jillian's surgery and tell you how it went. You always kept up with every detail of Jillian's health. This blog is going to have a much lower view count now that you are gone. Thursday sucked even worse not being able to call you and update you, I just felt all afternoon like I was failing you, like I was not holding up my promise.

This was not how we had planned it. What about the long sleeved giraffe shirt you bought to wear to meet us at Disney next month when it is suppose to be 90 out and crazy humidity but you bought it cause you knew it would make Jilli smile and that is all you cared about. You were so excited to meet us in Disney and to spend time with us.

What about Jillian's first hair cut? I'm not sure how we are going to do that now without you here. From the time we were pregnant Brent always said he wanted you to give our kids their first hair cut.

This is not the way this should have all gone down. We did not get to say goodbye. There was not one last time of you telling us to behave and to give Brent and Jilli a hug. Nope, instead we found out on facebook that you were gone.

You took me in as your own. You called me your first granddaughter, and I cherished that. To you I was a part of the family before our wedding day. You have been in my life since I was 16. You were not just Brent's grandma, you were my grandma too.

What about the gifts you had bought and stowed away already for Jilli, not about the things but because it brought you great joy to shop for her and make her smile. You would make a point to go into all of Jillian's stores in the mall, and there was something so sweet about that to me. You did it to make Jillian smile, and I would always laugh when you would call and tell me of your latest shopping adventure. Today Jillian wore the ribbon in her hair that you bought for her when you were here last month.  I will think of you when we watch Daniel Tiger because you use to watch it in the mornings because it is one of Jillian's favorite shows and you watched it so you would know all about it and so you could talk about it together. 

I just can't put into words tonight the heartbreak. We are all just so heart broken. Tonight as we tried to explain to Jilli why mommy and daddy were crying she said "Grandma Jill, wake up, play game me." I know you would have given anything to come and play games with Jilli tonight. Last time we talked you were trying to explain to me how much you loved Jilli, and I could tell by our conversation how overwhelming your love was for her.

You just slipped away, gone. I want to yell and scream, and make this all change. Last time we talked I never thought it was the last time. We talked about God and how excited you were to find a church down there like our church up here. I get all the saying, that you are in a better place, and I know that is true, but you loved life so much its hard to see you gone. It does not feel like it was your time, you had so much life left to you. All I have wanted to do for the past week is beg and plead with the doctors that they had to do something to make this better, and in the end, nothing.

This just does not seem real. I know I'm just the granddaughter-in-law, but to me you were so much more. You would reason with me when I was angry, and celebrate with me. You love me for me, no questions asked. You mean so much to us that we named our little girl after you. You were willing to figure out how to work an iPhone if it meant getting to talk to us more and see pictures of Jillian. I don't know that there is anyone else that makes a point everyday to scroll through all the pictures on their phone of my kid, just because they love my child that much.

I haven't posted anything about all this online this past week because I knew if you turned around you would have hated it having been all over online. When Brent mentioned the other day that they were trying to regulate you blood sugar and giving you a feeding tube all I could think about was how you would tell Jilli that while you were sick you had a tube like her. The two of you would have really bonded over that.

I took the sweetest picture tonight of Jillian comforting Brent, it would have broken your heart to see him cry but it would have melted you heart at the same time watching Jilli care for Brent. I can just hear your words saying "aww isn't that sweet." Brent really cherished your talks on his way home from work, he would always come home a little happier when he talked to you on his drive home. He loves and respects you so much, and I know that goes both ways.  

I wish there was something I could do to change this all. Just know that we love you.