I like to fix

I like to fix things. I like to have plans. I don't need to know where all of the steps are going to take me but sometimes I can be rigid in my thinking.

Yes, I do criticize the American Christian church, out of deep love and respect for what it is and could be. When you love something you see its flaws. You long for better for it.

But one of the gifts of my upbringing is that I am always looking for the redemption story in life. The little and big instances of how God is redeeming things in the world right now. And how God can use me to help bring that to the world too. That is my job as a Christian, not to passively sit and watch the world turn, but to do God's will now "Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done on EARTH as it is in heaven."

I have wrestled the past few years about what does and does not need to be redeemed. What is and is not sin (is breaking a man made law a sin?). What is and is not bad?

What I have found is that the world is a whole lot more grey then back and white. Things a very intertwined. And sometimes there are parts that are hard to sort out. I am a rule following, type A person who cares what other people think and that totally plays into how I sort things out in the world. One of my biggest fears has always been accidentally doing something wrong and ending up in huge trouble for it... not necessarily out of carelessness but pure accident and that scares me that I can't do everything perfect enough to keep that from happening... but that is a good lens for how I view the world.

I have always heard that death and disease are part of the evil of this world... and while I know death was never a part of the perfect plan for earth, I also know that what many people classify as disease feels a whole lot more grey to me at this point.

We tend to view people who do not fit the mold as a problem... but what mold are we using? Often it is a cultural mold. Often it is a servival of the fittest mold. Often the church goes along with culture on this.

What needs to be cured? What needs to be solved? What is more broken?

God created us all different. What if my difference isn't a "bad" thing? What if my differences are just seen as a problem by society?

I wrestle with this a lot in terms of "disabilities" and as someone who has multiple diagnoses this feels very true for me, but also for my kids and other people I know...

And what if the answer isn't the same for all of us?

What if what needs to be "fixed" in me isn't something that needs to be "fixed" in you even though you have the same thing?

Life is a lot more layered and complex.

But to bring this back to redemption...

I was gifted the eyes to see redemption in the midst of hard things. I can see beauty in the midst of a mess. I can see God's hand in the midst of hard situations... I have SO many stories of this in my life.  I can often tell you about a really hard thing that is going on and then will often tell you in the same breath the beautiful thing that happened in the midst of the situation too. I can hold both the hard and the beautiful and hold that the two do not cancel each other out.

I think one of the things that has made this year feel heavy is that I keep trying to do that for NIH but I can't... sure we got to go to DC for a day which was cool, sure we met a couple nice people, Jillian got to meet a space doctor which was a dream come true, and we got a lot of time just the 4 of us which is very rare... those are all great things... but they don't feel like any of those things, let alone all of them put together hold even close the opposite side of the sale from all it feels like we lost.

In almost 7 years, I really have mourned very little. I see parents often talking about needing to mourn when they receive a diagnosis and that has not been something I have been able to relate to... because I have held the both and of the situation. There are hard day to day accepts like energy, time, sleep and money... but those have always been on the scale with the beauty of who my kids are and the amazing things I see them bring to the world... and it is not a statement of the things they bring to the world despite their physical needs... but a statement of the things they bring to the wold because of who they are as whole people. It has not felt like there is anything to mourn.

But our experience this year feels different. We all lost of piece of ourselves at NIH and as much as I feel like 8 months later I really should be past that, and in many ways I am far from where I was... I am not sure anymore that this is something we just get over. We have kept the depths of the mental health toll private but its still very real.

So I have had to sit in this story that doesn't feel fixed. It doesn't feel whole. The balance feels very one sided. And I can't fix it. I could make all the flowery statements and tell you all the good in the situation but that doesn't fix the balance... and sitting with that is HARD. Because I want to see the redemption.

What if there isn't in a way that I see? God redeems all things... but that does not mean that it is in a way that you see. What if it takes a long time? What if it is not in a way that I imagined?

There is little I can do in this situation and as a fixer that feels very helpless.

God has taught me so much this season and I see the beauty in that. There are many ways and times I have wanted to close the book on this season and start a new one and God keeps saying "not yet." So I guess you get to sit in this with me. I totally get this has not been a happy blog year. Sometimes I wonder why anyone is still reading at this point... because this sure does not read like disability porn.

In this season I have needed to be ok with unknowns... something I am really not good at...

but something that I have learned a lot from.

But something that I look back on is how grateful I am for the ways God prepared me for this season. He gave me some great gifts to be able to navigate through this season. I think of something I was really wrestling with a year ago and how I went into this year seeing some things more clearly and that clarity helped me to have a more solid footing this year. I knew where I stood on many things even when the sand around me started to be washed away. I al SO thankful for that.

I can also feel like God is preparing me for a new season. I can feel right now that He is giving me tools for what I need next... eventhough I have no idea what that next is. Sometimes the hard thing is when He is giving you tools is to know when it is and is not the time to pick them up... right now it feels like He is adding to my toolbox but they still need to sit for a little while and I am working on being ok with that. God has timing. He isn't giving me tools for nothing.

So I look to the future not for brighter days, but instead with the knowledge that God has me in those days just like He has me now. Feelings are going to feel different in different seasons, but God is God in all of them. And God is not dependent upon my feelings although He is right there with me... the great cheerleader but He also mourns with those who mourn. He is ok with complex feelings and different feelings for different seasons. I am just not always so good with being ok with that... and our society really isn't either.