Rest...
Man my soul has felt tired lately...
and it effects EVERYTHING!
It is not that days are bad or aweful, there are tons of beautiful moments in our lives but life has felt heavy lately and a lot of that has to do with my soul being tired. My rest does not feel restful and very little feels like it is filling me back up.
It has become a cycle... I feel worn, so I look for rest, my rest doesn't fill me up so I look for more rest which still doesnt fill me up but then I am frustrated because things are not getting done... and then I am left worn out with a long to do list...
And then enters shame...
Shame I can't keep it all up
Shame I can't manage to figure out how to rest
Shame that my to do list is too long
I know I have been living out of this place for months... and I am SO tired.
It feels like we are in a perpetual cycle...
Have a ton of medical appointments or hospital stay,
Come home,
Feel overwhelmed about all that needs to happen at home plus the stress of whatever happened while we were away and feel crushed by the weight
Try to muster together cleaning, school, and doing enough activities with the kids to get a doctor off my back (although he doesn't really care), Write, support other people, try to have some semblance of order...
And start over
We are always preparing to be coming home or leaving or trying to do a hundred things in the time in between...
And I am burnt out...
But that does not feel like an option...
Because I feel like I need to hold everything together because if I don't, it wont happen... and because I feel shame in asking for help. Our culture is so messed up with our views of help and caring for each other! We default to thinking everyone is abusing everything.
And I often feel like talking about hard is not allowed as a Christian woman... I need to have the smiley "Jesus will take care of everything attitude" and if we are going to talk about hard stuff it needs to be surface level hard... you can complain about dishes, but not deep things.
And if feels like it is not allowed as a mom of medically complex kids. I can hint at certain situations being hard (like when I stop typing I need to call the insurance company because we received 3 letters yesterday telling us we need to call them because apparently phones only work one way...) but overall I need the world to see the cherry side of things because if you only think our lives are hard it perpetuates so many stereotypes... and often times it feels like the outside world does not get what is actually hard because they see the "not normal" things and assume that is what needs to be fixed when that is not always the case. There have been times I have tried to force the people around me to only see the positives in situations and not admit when something is hard because I don't want to live in the midset that everything is hard... but sometimes when you don't admit hard things and you keep pushing it down it bubbles up eventually. Our lives really are beautiful, my kids are amazing, and most of what makes life hard has nothing to do with their medical supports... the majority of it has to do with people.
I was listening to this podcast the other day: http://www.anniefdowns.com/2019/09/03/episode-164-sharon-hodde-miller-nice/
And it stirred something in me... we have a situation right now where I am having to file an official complaint against someone in a situation I have honestly let go on far too long (but my head keeps trying to convince me I am over reacting) and fear is holding me back because I just keep thinking how I don't want to make ripples. I dont want to make people unhappy... and making an official complaint does not seem nice. Nice is an idol in my life!
So while I am finally admitting that I am tired, just admitting it is not enough...
I need to put some steps in place to DO something about it. I don't have this all worked out yet, and I bet you it is something I am going to work on for a long time, but I am currently seeking ways to find true rest so I can do the things I need to do. I am really ok most of the time with not trying to keep up with the Jones doing tons of activities but sometimes outside pressure does feel heavy. But we need to do what works for our family.
I am trying to do some practical things too like getting rid of tons of stuff in our house so there is less to keep up... because I currently CAN NOT keep up with the stuff in our house and I am feeling crushed by it.
I am also trying to put some rhythms in place... like I am looking at kids devotionals that we can do with the kids while we do their meds each night as a way to root our family in Christ.
I am going to try reading more and being on social media less.
I am trying to be more intentional about time with people because when I feel tired, leaving my couch feels hard, but the reality is being with people can be so life giving, but sometimes it is hard to motivate myself... it is a drive to see people because of where we live.
I am putting some guidelines around medical stuff... what we will do when
I got a paper calendar because that helps me to feel more organized.
And I am working on the shame that comes with all the things I feel like I should be doing because shame doesn't help! It just makes the weight harder and it is a horrible motivator.
Are you tired? I feel like this is a collective society thing too. We are a unhopeful weighed down society that is burnt out... and something has to give. We need to stop the rat race of productivity because we currently are not living... we are running always. And while there are SO many things to be done in the world... we are not even half way doing anything. We are creating tired children that becomes tired adults and I dont think enrolling our children in one more thing is going to fix that. How do we get to the roots? More self help books are not going to solve this either... because we can try all the self help things (never mind that many of them contradict each other) and still just end up with a longer to do list...
And I need rethink rest... because rest feels like something I can not check off... so when I feel the need for rest I often add more things to my to do list so I dont have to deal with the uncomfortablness of rest or not being good at rest... so if I add more to my plate then I don't have to deal with rest, but then I just create a bigger problem...
What are you doing for true rest?
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