Hopefully its not just me.
I am relatively new to the emotion of feeling frustrated with God... not because I probably didn't feel it at times before but because I didn't feel like it was a safe feeling to have so if I felt it and sqaushed it as quick as possible and hoped that the gods of cartoons didn't come catapulting things at me (side note: I grew up hearing that we needed to watch what we watched and read but honestly 99% of what I watch would rank highly on a family friendly rating yet the things that I struggle with the most from things that I have seen are things that give off a skewed theological view and sometimes those come most from feel good movies). Honestly at one point I thought I was more holy because I didn't get mad at God or question Him.
Now I am not advocating doubting everything all of the time... but what I am saying is that a protective bubble isn't needed in some of the ways we think it is...
My current thing is wrapping my head around the ways that God takes care of me... because right now I feel His kindness is more then I deserve and it bothers me when I can't earn things.
And I am struggling with feeling like He is kind to me in ways that other people are desperate for and I don't know why He is being so kind to me.
Maybe it is that we can see our own lives in a mircoscope but it is hard to really see into anyone else's lives. We also are not great about looking for and talking about the ways that God is kind to us. We take many things for granted... or take ownership ourselves... or we just don't see His kindness in the situation.
Its not that the last few months haven't been challenging... they have and more then once I have asked God why the dominoes fell the way they did in several situations because I felt like there were easier ways to do things more then once, or even gentler ways... but even with feeling that way I still see God's kindness in the midst. I see the things only He could have orchestrated. I see the ways He showed me His love during really hard things.
But sometimes my eyes get stuck on the world's views on things.
I have written about healthcare many times and in one article I am quoted saying that for me to have a dollar means that you can not also have that same dollar otherwise our currency is useless. That is true.
But sometimes my eyes get stuck on boxing God into the world's limitations.
While I will continue to advocate for changes in our healthcare system and how we treat people with differences in our society, I can't stick the world's limitations on God...
But here is where I get stuck...
There are SO many hurting people in the world... and I don't buy into pull yourself up by your bootstraps theology... and I don't buy the "if people just had a better outlook on life their lives would be easier" because I think I have a pretty good outlook on a lot of things and I wouldn't say life is simple.... and I see so many people... especially white American Christians who don't give a crap about the true problems of the world but instead spend all of their time and energy building their "safe" empires... and then I can't understand why God is so kind to me.
This isn't a self loathing thing but instead a my heart aches for the world around me....
The thing I do know though is that God has called those who follow Him to love... to show each other kindness... to bring light to the world and to step into these situations and bring love... I am just a beginner at learning that... but what if we work together at getting better at that?
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| Neither of these are my pictures... but I watched a Rich Mullins Docudrama today and these both stuck out to me... Rich was a part of my childhood and his songs played a roll in my life and to hear some of his thoughts was interesting |
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