Anxity

One of the things my life has brought me is multiple views on many things... man high school me had so many opinions... but as I get older (and am very far from knowing everything) something that I am grateful for in life is that many things that have occurred in my life have made it so I can see multiple sides of an argument. It has made me feel more compassion for people what I might not have ever agreed with... and the thing is that in some of those situations I might still hold the same views that I did before, but life has taught me more compassion.

I mean we all don't want our kids to be adults with a "past" but the reality is that healthy emotional people do have a past... you should be growing...even in small things. You should be learning by your life circumstances. Now I sure hope my kids don't get to my age and have some crazy past that they need to seek a lot of help to work though, I hope we are able to mentor them in ways that point them in healthy directions, but I don't want my kids at 30 to do the same things they did at 15.

There are not a ton of places that I have not felt safe in life and honestly in most of the places that I felt unsafe was just my privileged of my life circumstances causing me to fear places I did not understand. There have been some places that hold some strong emotions for me, but its been a while since that was the case... as an adult I am able to choose where I go and as a run from conflict and fear person I tend to shy away from uncomfortable situations. 

The last 24 hours I have to keep reminding myself that I don't need to run.

Everything in me wants to run home and hide away...

But that is not the best option...

and I am ok...

I don't need to run...

We are at our home away from home right now for our first set of post second opinion doctors appointment. We need to have a lot of conversations about testing, results, and recommendations. But that also means that I need to hash some of the really hard stuff out.

I am thankful that we are doing this a month and a half after:

1. I am less emotional about it all... doesn't mean that I don't still feel the same way, it just means I am able to speak about it more clearly.
2. When we first landed off that airplane I wanted to run here because here felt safe, but that would not have been the emotionally healthy thing to do... I needed to go home and deal with emotions.
3. We needed to take our trip and have some time to lay the stress down.

I know we have an amazing team here. I know this house that love built knows how to surround me with love. I know my kids are so loved here.

I know the people here are amazing. Today alone we got to spend time with friends and got to do some relaxing things. We had one appointment but tomorrow is labs and our people here keep asking how they can support and love us. I brag about this place and these people all the time, but truly they are amazing. They are loving us through our mess right now and sometimes that is just what has to be done... we need to walk through things... not run away... which means facing feelings... and I am so grateful for the people that love us in the midst.

So this week if you could pray for clear communication, calm nerves, and for us to have grace with ourselves to walk through... not to run or shove the feelings away (also to not get stuck in the feelings) but to take each next step.


Today's songs in my head:
Trust in You by Lauren Daigle
Prophesy Your Promise by Bryan and Katie Torwalt