Brown and Pink Polka Dots : NIH day 8

Sunday we took a sabith... a day of rest. We napped and did crafts and watched movies. We recharged. We ate food because for the first time in days our bodies were calm enough to really feel hungry. We laughed as a family and were calm. We needed it.

This morning I laid in bed thinking (I've been waking up between 5:30-6 here time each day) about the heart challenges of the week. I know the communication challenges and the medical challenges... but there are always inner layers to everything a person does and I wanted to stop and reflect on my heart.

I was searching for a word to search on my Bible app as I was thinking about what was the cause of my heart to feel anxious. Sometimes we can look at the coarse of our lives and see the things that we struggle with and pick up and put down often. We all have those things that take different shapes given our life circumstances. I like to be in control... I like to be heard (if I feel like my being heard will not create conflict)... I like there to be a purpose... I like to look like I have all the answers... I like to feel like I belong...

I am a 9 with an 8 wing that sure is good at running to 6 when stressed (go look up the enneagram if that sentance looks like space talk lol)

The world trust came to mind as I was thinking so I searched that and Romans 8:28 came up... my least favorite verse in the Bible... I know strange verse to bug me... there are much more controversial verses but I am a heart person and I see where this verse becomes pretty on a coffee mug or tshirt but I struggle with the American interpretation of the word good. Good is very subjective. We don't ask our kids if they are making good choices... we ask them if they are making choices of integrity because what might feel good to them can change by the moment but integrity holds firmer. Good tents to be more of a feeling and only concerned about you. Good in our culture is self serving. I do not think what this verse is talking about is the American good... and I don't have issue with the verse itself, I have issues with the way the American church uses it because it often turns into a self serving verse.

The word trust wasn't getting me to what I was looking for, so I turned to searching for identity... that didn't get me much so I searched identity in Christ which brought me to a Bible study. I started it and the intro felt a little flowery... a little too Bible study ish... but Isaiah 43:1-2 really popped out at me...

But now, this is what the Lord, your Creator says, O Jacob,
And He who formed you, O Israel,
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you [from captivity];
I have called you by name; you are Mine!
²
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you.
When you walk through fire, you will not be scorched,
Nor will the flame burn you.

I was reading in the Amplified version because sometimes I think the wording of that version makes me think differently then the NIV.

What I also appreciated about this verse was that it is not flowery... it is very far from prosperity gospel or "girl, wash your face"... it is a reminder that you are God's in the midst... it is not the false lie that if you work hard enough, do enough good deeds, fake it til you make it that then your life will be perfect... that is just a bunch of crap American gospel (side story, we turned on the TV the other day and a "christian" TV show was on and they were reading prayer requests... but only if you donated $100 to them... I don't think I can eloquently explain my hatred of that... there are some pretty strong Bible verses that cover that but we as Christians often shrug it off as not wanting to hurt our own while we throw arrows into culture... the Bible is pretty clear though about which one is worse for the Kingdom... ok I'll get off my soap box now).

God walks with us in the hard. The Bible is not a story of if you believe good enough then you will have a life of flowers... that is a super twisted way to look at it... it is that God is with you ALWAYS!

As I was laying here I was trying to remember what God has taught me in the past. There are so many lessons that God has walked me through multiple times and who I find my identity in is one that I have to learn often. It is so easy to find our identity in other things. I have to run to God to find my identity in Him but I can easily pick up other identities myself.

This post is more of a reminder for me. A place to look back to when I am struggling with these same lessons again (because as I get older I am trying to have more grace with myself about having to learn different levels of a lesson and look at it that way... I have learned about my identity in Christ multiple times but each time I am learning about it again I see a different angle... its not that I am a failure for having to work on the same topic again... its that I need to learn a new aspect of it or dive deeper then I was ready to before... or sometimes it is that I need a reminder about what I have already learned). I also can struggle with writing things down and remembering things so this post is to serve as just that because this morning as I was thinking about what God has taught me before in these areas I could remember that God has taught but I struggled to remember what I had learned... a lot of the Bible is people writing down what God was teaching and what they were learning as a way to remind themselves the next time they needed that lesson again. In the midst of it we think we will never forget about something but when we need it again it can be hard to remember.

God is moving here too... just because there is a lot of medical stuff being worked on right now that doesn't mean that He stopped working on our hearts. My mind has wrestled a lot the last 24 hours as I process things (I can be so quick to doubt myself) but for this moment I am going to rest in knowing whos I am and that He is always with me.