For the majority of this year I have either felt like God has been silent or on the flip side I felt like God was looking for the hard way to do things. The weird thing is for me that it is not the big things that cause me to have those feelings at times... I am a details person... so it was when little things didn't fall in place the way I thought they should... not major things, mainly things I had prayed for other people and they didn't happen how I thought they should and then I would be frustrated (which is rather self centered but we are calling it straight here).
The month of May for us was an odd month... it was uncomfortably calm... I am a person who schedules down time... I have always been a GO person and while that looks very different these days then it once did I am use to a lot of things going on. At one point Brent looked at me and said that it was unnerving how calm things where... its not that we were looking to fill our calendar its just not the norm for us... But it was what we needed.
I feel like I personally had a lot of growth in me in the month... I spent a lot of time listening to podcasts and reading... I spent time having deep conversations with people... I feel like I grew as a person that month but I feel like if it had been as busy as normal that I wouldn't have had the time to grow like that... like God held the lessons for the right time when He knew I could work through stuff. He knew in the midst of crazy that I couldn't work through things but He had the perfect timing all lined up so while it was uncomfortable before hand when I felt like I couldn't see how God was moving in my life, I am thankful that He had the perfect timing... like a good parent strives for, with homeschooling I think about this more, how I want to give my kids the right lessons, not the ones that are too easy or too hard... the right lessons at the right time and God is perfect at that.
Tonight I had a meeting that the kids were not with me for (strange!) and after the meeting I went shopping at a specialty grocery store because I was looking for something I knew I couldn't find at our Target so I was wondering a grocery store without kids... yes it was like a mini vacation lol... I probably looked very lost as I wondered the isles but thats ok. On the way home I was listening to the That Sounds Fun podcast... the episode with Hilary Yancy... I don't want to give anything away from the episode because there is some amazing story telling going on there and I want you to hear it, but at one point during the interview Hilary said that her prayer life we God has changed and she has become sassier with God and I laughed because logically I know that God can handle sass... but as she talked I started to cry and I turned it off and yelled at God that I don't want to give Him to NIH trip because I don't want to be disappointed with God... not that I don't think God will do what is best for us... but that I felt like if I gave this to Him and we got a denial letter that I would then be mad at God instead of NIH (I know me, I know my brain and I know how I have handled things before and I know for the that is a real fear) and I felt like I couldn't bare anymore disappointment that I put on God... not that God can't handle me feeling disappointed, He completely can, but I didn't feel like I could handle it.... its like when you love someone so much that you just don't want them to let you down, you don't want to feel disappointed by them.
A couple of months ago I was at a baby dedication for one of my favorite babies but being there for his dedication meant that I got to be there for his momma leading worship and she is one of my favorite worship leaders in the world... I had an entire season of my life where I was blessed with her frequently leading worship in my life (she, Brent and I were a team in worship things) and while we still do life together frequently its not often that she leads worship in my life anymore, so for me it was a big gift for my heart to be in that room. She started singing the song King of My Heart which I had not heard before and the tears filled me eye... the chorus is singing about how good God is and just the fact that between this friend and I there were 4 children in that room is a huge testament to how good God is... as I looked around at these babies it just hit me all of the promises that God has fulfilled in my life... but then the bridge goes "Your never gonna let, never gonna let me down"... those words did not feel as easy to sing...
Tonight as I drove home crying and yelled at God that trusting Him with NIH was hard my head went to playing that bridge over and over like my brain was longing so hard to believe it but it wasn't there yet... and that is ok... there is a longing to be there, but I am not there yet.
Then my head started thinking about this post... I write a lot of blogs in my head... many days before I actually type them... some never leave my head... but this one I felt like I needed to get out for me... I need to look back at this again someday... I have debated a lot back and forth lately if I wanted to split thing blog in two... one for our medical journey and one for the rambles of my head... I see in stats that my head rambles get lower views (thats fine, they are often more like a journal entry that I am letting the world see) and I know when I post anything with the slightest hint of anything that could be possibly taken as political (man there are so many things right now that I never thought me saying _________ would be a political statement) that some people stop reading... so I have been wrestling with that but I have come to the decision that I am one me and all of this is part of our journey... this post effects our kids medical journey, it might not be laying out how an appointment went but it shows a fuller picture of us... my girls medical needs are not segregated into one part of our lives... they effect everything and many of the things I am learning and places my heart is growing are related to that... I'm me and this is my blog and people can chose to come and go when they wish but all of the parts of our lives interrelate... so if me writing sometimes about things that are not directly health related bugs someone, thats on them and not me because all I can do is tell my story because thats the story I have and I believe there is so much power in our stories!
So there is some of my heart for tonight... my heart has been struggling with giving health stuff up to God because I struggle with Him disappointing me in the details
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| My cute girl!!! |
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