Our big news!

We are expecting a baby in June!!!!!!

I am about 11 weeks along, in what feels like it has been a long 11 weeks. "Morning" sickness has not been so kind this time around (I was sick with Jilli too, just not this bad). I ended up in the ER with dehydration a few weeks ago but they have me on meds now and they are helping some. This week I have felt a little more human (says the woman who just puked in the garbage can) so I am hopeful that I have turned the corner, one can hope! No one said pregnancy is easy, but so worth it!

This baby is a God planned baby all the way. Let me catch you up to speed with what has been going on:

Brent has wanted a second child since about the time Jillian was born. I told him at first that we would talk after she was a year old. After having an emergency c-section the idea of doing that again right away was not at the top of my list. Then we started to figure out that there was more going on with Jillian and her medical needs and by her first birthday my comment was to talk to me when she is 4yr old and hopefully by that time everyone here will be sleeping through the night (I have come to the conclusion now the sleeping through the night is highly overrated).
We started the mix of genetics and trying to figure out what was going on. At the same time some families that I know from facebook went through some very hard stuff with kiddos like Jillian and all I could think about was could I do this with a second kiddo and is it fair to Jillian or a second child?  Do I really have enough time?
See while Jillian has no diagnosis the thought is that it has a genetic link. The thought is that my weird health stuff is related. The best guess is that she has a mitochondrial disorder and you get your mitochondria from your mom. I don't blame myself for Jillian's stuff, that would be silly, its genetic, but when you have a kid that most likely has a genetic disorder it makes you think a little bit more about having additional kids.
God started working on my heart and so did Brent because honestly there was a time were I was really thinking Jillian was going to be our one and only and I was really good with that. Brent would ask every once and a while about more kids, but I am blessed with an amazing husband who gave me the time and space I needed. He never pushed the issue even though he wanted another child.
God started working on my heart. Like a every sermon you hear stirs something inside of you and you spend your time at church each week wrestling with God. Finally in August I waved my white flag. I came to the point where I remembered that God has plans for my life and one of my greatest gifts in this life is being a mom to the children He blesses me with and if He is asking me to be this child's mom, it is the least I can do to say yes. Brent and I talked and decided we would try after we got back from Disney. It took us 18months of trying to get pregnant with Jillian, this baby was conceived the first month of trying. God has a timing, God has a plan.

So what about all those questions and fears I had to wrestle with? I have come a long way (and am excited for this little one) but I know others will have some of the same questions about this baby that I did so let me tell you what I have learned:

Will this baby have the same thing as Jillian?
This question is hard to answer because the don't have an official name for what is going on with Jillian. What I do know is that if this child does, who has better training in whatever "this" is then two parents who have been helping their child with it for almost 3 years? Given that no doctor seams to be able to tell us what is going on, that by default makes Brent and I the experts on it. I know how to run a feeding pump, oxygen is worn like a second purse, this is our normal. God gave us the gift of Jillian and I am SO grateful for her. She is who she is and I love her for her, all of the medical stuff included. I have seen God use Jillian's story to touch people and bring people back to Him in ways only He could. I would not wanted my parents to not have me because I might have had medical issues, I would not have wanted to not have Jillian because of her medical issues, so why would I let the possibility of a child with medical needs keep me from having that child?

Are you prepared to have a second child with needs?
Were we prepared with Jillian? To a degree we were prepared with Jillian based on things in our life that we had gone through. I have had an odd medical past and am a licensed special ed teacher. I use to baby sit for a kiddo with a feeding tube and knew they were not scary. God blessed us with life experiences that helped to prepare us for Jillian. If we have a second child with needs we are even more prepared. We have the doctors and therapists in line and on our team already with Jillian. I know different things to look after having Jillian. If God gives us a second child with medical needs then we will roll with it just like we have for Jillian.

I fully believe that God has this and that He has a plan for good. One of my prayers is for someone for Jillian to have to lean on and for them to be able to lean on her, when I feel overwhelmed wondering about the day to day logistics I think about how blessed these two child are to have each other.

One of my biggest fears about sharing our news is how people will react. I know it seams trivial and childish to be worried about what other people think but to be honest we all are. The fears of if people will think we are crazy, if people will think we are being irresponsible, the fear if people will think we are not looking out for the best for Jillian by having a second. And as I have wrestled with this (and am far from perfect in giving up the fears of what other people think) and God has taught me that what matters is His plan for my life. The choice to have a second child is not one that was made lightly, and while it may seam sudden to you has been a long journey full of a lot of lessons. None of us are perfect but by trying to follow God's perfect plan in our life we can go a long way. I felt really at distant with God for a while, when you are wrestling someone you don't necessarily have the warm and fuzzes about them, but I can tell you that the moment that pregnancy test said "pregnant" I felt closer to God then I had. God is in this, He has a plan, I am fortunate enough to be a part of it, some people will say I am crazy, but it is God who matters at the end of the day.    

Our life will be different with two, but bring on the different. I am excited to get to meet this little one and blessed that God has chosen me to be this baby's mom. I am so honored.