I'm in a very deep mood today. I'm not sure why. I have a head ache on top of that because Brent and I went and picked up our new glasses yesterday and it is taking a bit for my eyes to get use to the new prescription.
This morning I took Jillian to the doctor to get a shot. I am not the biggest person on shots. I know they have helped kids live longer and better life and overall kids not getting Polio and such is good, however I just have a hard time putting one more things in her little body. On top of the I am very allergic to what they make shots in. Almost all shots are made in an egg or latex base, and I am allergic to both. I stopped getting shots around 3rd grade as my egg allergy got worse. I have had two shots since then and both times I felt like I was going to die after. As dramatic as that might sound, the one time I really thought I was just going to die. I could not move and I felt so week. It was horrid. This makes my personal view on shots not so great. From the get go we decided that Jillian would only get 2 shots at a time because we did not feel her little body ever needed 6 things injected in her at a time. The reason they cram them all together is for the ease of parents, but I'm not worried about how many times it takes to go back. Well, we started off with 2 at a time, but Jillian's body has a hard time with that. Each time she would get 2 shots she would be in the hospital 10 days later really sick with something. The shots just knock out her immune system. So we dropped it down to one at a time at least 2 weeks apart. She still gets sick, just not as bad. I have gone round and round with multiple doctors about this and most of them think I'm nuts but this is the way it is. Either this way or no way. On top of that, if she is having anything big coming up we try to stop shots 15-20 days before hand so she can be better before we do a big test. Right now she has a long list of 1yr shots she needs and we are trying to get them done before her next check up, but with that she has this motility testing coming up at some point soon and she can not be sick AT ALL for that test to take place. No cough. No runny nose. Nothing. I feel like I need to put her in a bubble.
The one good thing with shots is that she takes it like a champ. She might fight us every morning to do her inhaler however she cried for about 5 seconds today after her shot. She just is not that bothered by them at least.
Even with having to take Jillian for a shot, I love days like today. I work 4, 10 hour days each week leaving 1 day to cram in every appointment we need. That leaves 4 days a month to try to fit everything in. That thought has been just exhausting to me lately. Jillian was just referred back to speech and the doctor would like her to be seen regularly. We don't find out what regularly means until the 31st of this month, but I have a feeling it is going to be more then once a month. We worked with a speech therapist before that I loved at Children's but she has Fridays off and that just so happens to be the day I have off most weeks. While my job has been amazing at trying to work around what day I need off, it is just too hard to have to move it around all the time. The problem is that none of her doctors all work on the same day of the week. There is not one day in the week that is golden. No matter what I have to change stuff up making it harder for work and harder for my coworkers and I hate doing that to them. I use to be the employee that never asked off and was always to work 15 minutes early and would stay as long as I am needed. Now I ask off all the time, take off for weeks at a time without notice and have to balance when I can start and leave work around her feeding schedule. Most days that leaves me feeling like an awful employee.
With the feeling of being an awful employee you mix in my heart's desire. I LOVE being a mom. It is what I have felt called to be for a LONG time. When I was little I always talked about wanting 12 children, and while I am not that crazy anymore, I still love being a mom. I love it despite the doctors, and never sleeping, and waking up to yellow bags of stomach bile on the floor, and living at the hospital at times, and the fact that the feeding pump has it out for me today and that I don't get to spend the same time with friends... I love it despite. I would not change ANY of those things if it meant no Jillian. NONE of it. I will take not sleeping and medical stuff and less time with others. It is ALL worth it for her. Every second of every day. Every tear, every pain, every sleepless night is 100% worth it for her. It is all worth it if none of this ever changes. If in 15 years I am still getting up at 2am every night to fill her pump, it is worth it for her. This is all worth it for her.
My heart's desire is to love Jillian and help to raise her to be an amazing woman of God. I am blessed to have Jillian in my life. I know that she is His, and I get the joy of being her mom. Being a mom is a huge job. Being Jillian's mom feels like a job that there will never be enough hours for in a day. I struggle because days like today are what I feel called for. As much as it is not fun having to watch a needle go into her leg, I got to spend time with her today and I loved it. This is what I would love to do with my life. When people ask what you want to do with your life, for me, I'm doing it.
But that puts me back to tomorrow, I go back to work and work another 10 hour day. It is not that I don't love my students, I do. I strive for the best for them. I celebrate with them. I care about them so much. I love when they learn something new or even when they learn a hard life lesson. I am privileged to be their teacher and I don't take that for granted. They are only 4 and 5 for so long and this is a time when they learn so much. The hard thing is my heart is torn. As much as I love them, I want to be devoting more my time with Jillian. This is something I have been praying about for months, but it is not the right time yet. There are parts to that equation that don't work out right now. Jillian comes with a lot of expenses. Brent and I have been working on getting rid of our debt over the past year however, every time we have knocked out a bill another new Jillian bill comes in. We pay off a credit card, and then she starts on a new perscription that costs the same amount per month. At the end of the day that money is still accounted for. I was seeing this as frustrating. I was feeling like we would never get ahead, but then I stopped to remember that God provided that money. He helped us to eliminate one bill so that we could pay for another, He provided. Instead of being mad that it is not working out my way, I am choosing to be grateful that we have the money to pay any bill at all, even if the same allotted money is just moving from one bill to the next.
I spent some time praying about all of this today. Extra time to pray is one of the great things about days off. As I was praying I was reminded that I have prayed this same prayer before. I thought back to the times in my life I have prayed for something big and I had to wait on it. Finding a husband, getting married, buying a house and getting pregnant have all been huge things in my life that I have had to wait in Him for and looking back I can see his hand in all of it. I can't say that those have been some of the funnest times in my life, actually they have been some of the hardest most gut wrenching emotional times in my life. But I made it. I am still here. I did not explode. God walked me though. It all worked out in His time. Honestly if I had a baby on my time I would not have been able to handle all of this. But God knew the exact time for Jillian to come. Did that make waiting easier... honestly, no, but I did learn a lot. I am not sure why I am learning the waiting lesson again. If you would have asked me, I thought the last trials of learning that lesson were good enough, however there must be something more I need to learn.
So I wait again. I wait for the timing to be able to stay at home more with Jillian and be a full time mom. In this time I will try to continually choose to listen to Him for the lessons. He has a timing in all of this. He has a plan. His plan is better then mine, I guarantee it. He put longings on our hearts and I firmly believe that He does not put them there to taunt us with something we desire but can not have. He is not some giant bully in the sky dangling candy in front of our faces and then pulling it away when we get close. There is a reason that I want so badly to stay home with Jillian and in His time it will be fulfilled.
So in the mean time I will cherish days like today. I will go play with my little one. I think I will go change her diaper too because something just did not sound good...
I will wait and rest in Him.....
and hopefully I will listen!
No comments:
Post a Comment